When Going Hard Makes Things Harder
Softer Paths for the Grieving Body
“I might recommend that you eliminate cardio.”
These were the words my doctor offered in response to a question about recent bodily aches and pains. The year, 2013 … roughly one year after my mom died following a 30-day battle with stage IV pancreatic cancer.
As ridiculous as it may seem, resistance rose in me as my physician's words made their way to my eardrums. Cardio was all I’d ever known. For instance, I’d spent years running at least 10 miles per week, doing hour-long Tae Bo workouts by DVD, and participating in too many step classes to count. In my mind, if a workout didn’t leave me drenched in sweat, it wasn’t hardcore enough … and I wasn’t interested.
So I left my doctor’s appointment with an unwritten prescription to do “light” exercise in the coming months, followed by a six-month follow-up. Inwardly, I chuckled all the way to my car, then headed to a high-energy spin class a few blocks away.
Months passed, however, and I continued to experience inexplicable joint aches – what I described as “pain down to the bone.”
See, I hadn’t yet connected the dots between grief and my physical health. I didn’t understand how cardiovascular exercise elevated my already high cortisol levels (due to my body’s response to the stress of grieving), which increased bodily inflammation and contributed to my pain and physical exhaustion. Believe it or not, this is quite common in the face of significant and enduring stress. At the same time, know that the physical manifestations of grief look different for each person who grieves.
From the very beginning of my grief journey, I actively worked to avoid grieving altogether. I didn’t want to be part of THAT club. The result? Working longer hours in academia, so as not to be perceived as less professionally competent. Maintaining an exhausting social schedule so others didn’t think I was a ‘downer.’ Resisting the need for emotional support so family and friends would highlight my strength. And physically taxing my body to prove to grief that it wouldn’t ‘win.’
In other words, I went hard.
But going hard only added to my suffering. It led to my wearing a mask on the outside while emotionally cratering on the inside. Going hard contributed to the lies I told others about my mental and spiritual wellbeing.
Stubbornness prevented me from wholeheartedly softening my ways for another year. But after finding myself sprawled out on the floor of a hotel room, I knew things had to change. Little by little, I gradually began to downscale my workouts to focus on stretching, walking, and swimming.
What I noticed as I began to engage in less physically rigorous activities is that my approach to grief as a whole began to shift. I felt less angry. I didn’t shield my tearful moments from others as often. I made adjustments to my daily schedule in order to rest and pay attention to my emotional and physical needs.
Eliminating cardio tipped the scale towards transformation. While my doctor focused on physical exercise in my visit, he probably recognized the need to highlight something deeper – my relationship with grief. No, he never said anything about grief. We didn’t even talk at length about my mom’s death. Looking back, however, I believe he sensed my resistance and provided a surface level, though extremely necessary, recommendation in an effort to unearth other healthy coping tools.
Whatever the case, I’m grateful that he prompted me to slow down, grieve in a softer way, and ultimately, reduce my suffering.
Do you need to slow down as well? Might going hard be working against you as you grieve?
If the answer is ‘yes,’ there’s no better time to shift in a new direction like the present.
Perhaps you shorten that cardio segment and go for a nature walk instead. Maybe you take a midday nap. However you decide to soften today, know that your body, mind, and spirit will benefit. Peace is your birthright as a child of God.
xo, Mekel
I really like this…..I have many body aches and pains. I worry that it “could be” the return of my TNBC diagnosed over 2 years ago, and treatment finished exactly 2 years ago this month. But this type of cancer doesn’t necessarily return to the breast - it can go anywhere, says the literature…so, what if it’s my bones.
But…grief. My brother passed 2 years before my diagnosis. Then a cancer diagnosis causes so much grief, you lose so much. And in the middle of a pandemic for both situations….now that was a huge loss of so many things, too. It changed everything! And last fall, the devastating hurricane Helene hit western NC like nothing ever has….we are still in massive cleanup and restoration here. Oh the grief…the loss, of people, tourism, artists, landscape, river beds….it was massive.
I notice when I’m stressed or get upset or over tired, my pain is worse….but the Drs….the cardiologist, the oncologist, PCP, they all want you exercising!!!!! Working out!!!! “It’s good for your anxiety.”
But, you have given me pause to think about the cortisol that gets dumped into my bloodstream and triggers inflammation after a more challenging workout. So, maybe less is more, after all.