Soften the Edges
Making Room for God As You Grieve
“What if you believed you were fully cared for and loved by God in your grief?”
This was the question my psychologist posed just a few months after my dad died in March 2020. I immediately felt myself growing more irritated than I already was, in part because he posed the question at the very end of our session. Typical therapy cliffhanger!
What my psychologist wanted me to unearth was why I was allowing anger to dominate my thoughts and affect my relationships so profoundly following my dad‘s death. See, my brothers and I faced an unimaginable situation with our dad‘s passing, namely a host of logistical and legal affairs left unattended. What struck me the most about the entire situation was how intelligent and strategic my dad was throughout his life. “How could someone so thoughtful about future-oriented things leave everything so undone?”
As a result of mounting frustration related to my dad‘s affairs, I began to react more intensely to minor irritants. Small annoyances consumed my emotions, and minor inconveniences felt like major roadblocks. Essentially, a root of bitterness began to grow inside of me, eventually spilling over into nearly every situation I encountered. My psychologist, a fellow Christ follower, encouraged me to look beyond the uncontrollable aspects of my dad’s affairs and focus on what I could control – belief in the vastness of God’s love.
What I’d already learned in the seven years of grieving prior to my dad‘s death was that God’s love was ever present and available to me. I recalled personal encounters with Him as I wept on the floor of a hotel room months after my mom died. I remembered the moment a rainbow blossomed in the sky from beginning to end right before my eyes in Hawaii, what felt like a direct response to my heartfelt and tearful prayer to God. Across countless situations, I sensed His presence in moments where I felt spiritually, physically, and emotionally exhausted. God loved me, no doubt.
Nevertheless, I began to question the depth of His love after being faced with yet another significant loss. Did God wholeheartedly care that my heart felt crushed again?
For some time, I experienced spiritual dissonance, with my beliefs at odds with my current reality. It’s a common phenomenon for many navigating grief.
However, I knew that God was the only one who could carry the burden of my grief. I knew that in the wee hours of the night, He could offer a calming word, settle my spirit, and help fasten my heart to the necessity of hope. In addition, my psychologist invited me to complete a homework assignment, a scavenger hunt of sorts. He prompted me to keep my heart and eyes open to moments where I might encounter God’s love for me. Reluctantly, I accepted his invitation.
What did that look like?
Well, God knew my love of butterflies, and on occasion, I would ask Him to allow me to stumble upon my favorite creatures on a walk. And He would. In what seemed like the most random moments, a favorite song, verse of scripture, or inspiring quote would present itself along my path. God knew that I likely wouldn’t believe the grand gestures before me, but would cling to the seemingly insignificant ones to confirm that He truly cared for me. The unspoken desires manifested in real time. Words of confirmation proclaimed by others that aligned with my whispers to God in prayer.
Time after time, God showed up.
And as I soaked in the totality of evidence before me over several months, I had no choice but to report back to my psychologist that I fully believed God not only knew me, but also cared for and loved me. The visceral ‘fighting spirit’ that once consumed me at the mere thought of everything attached to my dad’s affairs began to disappear. I realized that softness would counteract the bitterness that had begun to take root in my heart.
My friend, if you’re struggling to believe that God is present as you grieve and cares for you, it’s OK. God can handle your unbelief. He understands the pain of grief and the doubt that often accompanies it. Know you’re not alone.
For now, I’ll offer the challenge posed by my psychologist.
Take some time to seek out the evidence that God, in fact, cares for and loves you. It may be the calm you feel as you sip a warm cup of coffee in the morning. Or perhaps the undeniable feeling of warmth and gratitude you experience when watching a beautiful sunset. You might sense the presence of God as you snuggle in bed at night. Whatever it is, be on the lookout for clues that He knows you and deeply cares for you as you grieve.
I’m convinced that as we soften the edges of our anger and frustration and turn our attention instead to the beautiful things in and around us, we will find that God has been with us in our grief all along.
xo,
Mekel
