Living Softer in Relationships After Loss
Creating Space for Greater Intimacy
Grief is a deeply personal journey, one that can feel quite isolating, raw, and overwhelming.
When I began the process of grieving in late 2012, I remember experiencing intense waves of isolation, leaving me to wonder if anyone cared. It wasn’t uncommon for me to feel invisible and burdensome to those I’d befriended. One night, I even found myself walking along the shore of Venice Beach, crying out to God in my loneliness after attempting to reach friends and acquaintances by telephone to no avail.
Nevertheless, with my heart weighed down with sorrow, I couldn’t fathom the idea of showing up well in relationships. The connection I’d had with the one person who intimately saw and knew me, my mom, shattered the moment she took her last breath. And my heart struggled to connect with anyone else beyond the surface, for fear that if I experienced any meaningful connection, my heart would break all over again.
But I attended the social events anyway. I showed up for people. My calendar was full, with midweek Bible study and work-related activity highlighted in pastel colors. I did all the things you’re supposed to do after experiencing loss, right? Yet I felt emotionally and socially unfulfilled. Somewhere along the way, I realized that forcing my way to connection and intimacy with others wasn’t viable in the long run. And to be honest, I felt exhausted.
As we grieve, one crucial aspect of the process can be overlooked: the importance of living softer, especially as it relates to social connections.
What do I mean?
Well, with grief comes unpredictable ebbs and flows … from the heavy silence of loss to the thunderous outpouring of emotions. From the craving for relationships to the desire for unbothered alone time, grieving is often a confusing journey. At the same time, it’s important to keep your heart open to the fundamental need we all have for community and connection. One way to think of this is as an invitation to soften and allow others to meet you where you are. Right there in the ugly mess of it all.
A year after my mom died, I met an acquaintance at a local coffee shop, a one-on-one encounter I hadn’t previously welcomed in the months following my loss. I felt raw and exposed, yet longed for some semblance of connection, even if only a surface exchange. So when she called to schedule a meetup, I accepted. We chatted about mundane things, and I recall laughing for the first time in a long time. It actually stunned me and if I’m honest, I felt guilty for genuinely enjoying the moment. However, I needed that brief glimpse of joy to remind myself that I was still alive. That life still needed to not only be lived, but also cherished. I embraced the gentle and non-judgmental compassion afforded me, recognizing its value along my grief journey.
Embracing Vulnerability with Compassion
Without a doubt, grief makes us vulnerable. It can leave us exposed in the most uncomfortable of ways, grasping for hiddenness on all fronts. My own experiences with unfiltered emotions meeting me in the middle of a COSTCO aisle, while walking alone in a community park, and waiting at a stop sign – all in the presence of strangers – remind me of how broken we feel when others actually see our pain. Of course, there’s a natural tendency to pull away and isolate ourselves from those who might actually offer comfort and support. The truth is, however, that living softer during grief requires just the opposite, that is, openness to allowing others in and receiving help … even when it feels like too much. Even when it feels like you’re too much.
Living softer means leaning into vulnerability and love.
No matter how messy or complicated your process may be, living softer creates space for deeper connection. Whether it’s through a gentle conversation with a close friend or a quiet moment shared with a loved one, grieving alongside others can lighten the weight of loss and help you navigate the emotional, physical, and spiritual turbulence.
The most challenging part for me was shifting from trying to “have it all together” to allowing myself to be seen in my most authentic state, crocodile tears and all. Almost 13 years into this journey, I don’t have the emotional energy to “fake it ‘til I make it” anymore. What about you?
Perhaps it’s time to allow those who do care to be there for you … not just when things are easy, but especially when the road feels uncertain and painful.
Pacing Yourself Through the Journey
In a world that often demands speed and efficiency, grieving is a slow process that doesn’t adhere to any universal timetable. For those around you, there might be a tendency to want to "fix" the situation or encourage you to move forward at a faster pace. However, reimagining and repositioning your life after loss isn’t something that should be rushed.
To live softer means honoring the pace with which you grieve and accepting that some days will be harder than others. In addition, it involves giving yourself permission to grieve without the pressure to “move on,” “get over it,” or “go back to normal.” Finally, living softer helps you trust that you know what you need and can communicate those needs to others in your circle. Remember … you’re not obligated to do things or engage with people the same way you did prior to loss.
Along these lines, it may be important to set new boundaries in relationships. I can recall several situations when I had to share how limited my emotional capacity was or that I simply needed space. I also engaged in conversations with coworkers and friends focused on accepting their invitations to gatherings and outpourings of love in the form of help. Living softer is all about striking a balance between taking time for yourself and allowing your relationships to evolve in ways that best support your grief journey.
How are you pacing yourself as you grieve?
The Transformative Power of Tenderness
Inner and outer transformation is possible after experiencing significant loss, and it’s best cultivated within relationships that embody tenderness, compassion, and patience.
I discovered these types of relationships with other grieving hearts, though you certainly might find them among family members and friends who haven’t experienced loss.
What I received from in-person grief support groups, as well as “online friends” was gentleness and care. And it didn’t necessarily come in the form of grand gestures. For me, the willingness of a friend to simply sit with me in my office one day at work or a well-intentioned touch on the shoulder helped me gradually recognize that beauty still existed amidst my grief. Living softer meant allowing myself to be cared for and seen in the absence of words and especially on the days I longed to have my grief witnessed the most.
Friend, I challenge you to remember that receiving love and support doesn’t make you weak. It’s a testament to the interconnectedness of the human experience. When you allow others to be there for you, it helps them feel like they’re part of your story. Ultimately, this strengthens the bond between you and them. It’s pretty beautiful to think about, right?
A Journey of Softness and Connection
Grieving isn’t easy and can feel like a journey full of jagged turns and winding roads. By choosing to live softer, you allow yourself to navigate this challenging process with more grace and self-compassion … not avoiding the pain or rushing through the process, but creating space for vulnerability and meaningful relationships.
In a society that often values stoicism in the face of loss, living softer is a quiet, yet powerful, act of resistance. It’s a declaration that it’s OK to walk through fragile seasons, be open to hard emotions, and embrace much-needed love from others.
Allow yourself the gift of soft living and trust that through it all, your relationships can become a source of profound transformation and renewal.
xo, Mekel
