Embracing Softness Day-to-Day
Abandoning Discipline for Slower Rhythms in Grief
Discipline matters but perhaps, allowing things to fall apart matters more throughout the grief process.
I learned this the hard way, I might add.
A product of two Air Force veterans and functioning as a Black girl in a white world, coupled with my natural wiring, I had no choice but to invite structure and order into my daily routine. More than anything, I think I always appreciated “the formula” – that predictable and linear method of approaching life. Perform well, achieve, and repeat. If I do “X,” then I’ll see “Y.” However, that line of thinking completely dismantled following my mom’s death in December 2012.
Grief flattened any attempt I made to get back on the formulaic path. For instance, I found myself no longer able to concentrate for lengthy periods of time, resulting in less efficiency. Tasks that historically took a few minutes felt burdensome, taking hours or even days to complete. The physical stamina I once prided myself on no longer sustained me, replaced instead by overwhelming fatigue, bodily aches and pains, and exhaustion. Finally, I lacked mental and emotional fortitude, often finding myself taxed by the simplest of activities.
The compilation of symptoms forced me to re-evaluate my relationship with discipline, particularly the expectations I strongly held with regard to productivity. I needed to approach my daily rhythms with softness, a foreign concept to me at the time.
Practically, this looked like reducing my workload, with an emphasis on not over-scheduling appointments. For example, I shifted the number of appointments with private practice clients. Further, I set limits on social activities, recognizing the sheer overwhelm that resulted from masking my feelings or working to minimize other’s discomfort with my grief at times.
Other ways you might embrace softness as you grieve include:
Taking frequent breaks to rest. Remember, it’s OK to experience gaps in your daily schedule as you grieve. Do your best not to interpret busy-ness as productivity or breaks as lazy. Grief affects all of you. (I’ll admit this took me years to fully embrace).
Creating space in your schedule for mental downtime. You won’t win a prize for completing everything on your ‘to do’ list, so be sure to give yourself grace as you approach daily tasks. It might prove helpful to set a timer to remind yourself to take 15-30 minutes in order to still your body and quiet the mind. Meditation may help you along the way.
Allowing rest. Believe it or not, the more you honor your physical needs (e.g., sleep, naps), the more productive you’ll be. It’s counterintuitive, I know.
Taking steps to incorporate softness into your daily routine might seem impossible, so I encourage you to implement whatever strategies you find helpful in small doses. In addition, you’ll need to consider what’s realistic in your current schedule. If you encounter obstacles along the way, know that it’s OK to solicit support from others to help you establish new rhythms as you care for yourself.
My friend, we grieving hearts have no choice but to soften.
The consequences of not doing so are too great.
Early in my grief journey, as I associated softness with laziness, I pushed myself and ignored all the cues that I needed to adjust my daily rhythms. From work burnout to emotional exhaustion to increased internal suffering, trust me when I say that ‘going hard’ is not the way.
Grief is here to stay, and the sooner you embrace softness day-to-day, the less burdened you’ll feel. No, this won’t take all that comes with grieving away; but it will enable you to lean into self-compassion.
You deserve that, after all.
xo, Mekel
